my life story

Well i thought that i had it copied and wouldn't have to type it all out again,but no,so,here i go,i was the oldest boy of six boys.My father wasn't around too much,and i dont remeber that much of him.He liked to wear an army jacket and like me,didnt agree with the US invading Viet Nam,and supported draft dodgers and hippies,as he was one.I grew up listening to revolutionary music,heavey metel of the sixties i guess eh?well anyways i lossed my father in 77,the same year as Elvis Presley's death as i recall.I remember crying in the limo so hard that i couldn't catch my breath,and then my mom put a pill in my mouth,it was valium,it wasnt the first time i had seen it,or i knew what it was and what it did,and it helped me to relax.My dads seath was very traumatic for me.I was constantly being told that"you are the man of the house now joe"it was repeated over and over to me.Now we skip ten years,and we are living in sault Ste Marie now,in a house on pine st.I answered the door to the police man,who stated that "a one Douglas Gough was Killed in an accident lastnight"I remember the endorphines kicked in BIg time,and i was floating down the stairs,i can still recall that feeling of increduality,'it couldn't be him,we just sent him to sudbury yesterday"but it was true,he was partying atthe coulson hotel and had drank so much,he thought he was still in the sault,and had takin a cab to pine st.apperently he had passed out near 725 pine ,my moms address in the soo.A car had come along and had dragged him 400 metres.It was twenty minutes before the towtruck could lift the car and they could then extricate him from under the car.His leg was bent awardly and was next to his face.This is how it was described to me.and i sometimes can picture him like that,not like he was,a funny,loving young man ,that died on his 22 birthday,Nov.22/1988 R.I.P. Bro,we will allways remember the "Dougie"and" houndoug" with love.Now we skip ahead another ten years,it 1999,I am aquitted on murder 2 charges,and am let outta jail after 18 months,but still feel guilty about killing my friend,even though it was in self-defence.We were doing coke and it got down to the last hit,he pulled a knife and demanded that i give it to him,i picked up a chair and knocked the knife outta his hand,we both went for it but i got to it first,and i stabbed him in the leg to try and stop him.I freaked out,as i had never done anything like this before,and ran outta the apt we were both staying in,to a friends ,Eddie and Robert,both of whom have since died of hiv-aids,and he let me sleep on the couch.Next day i wake up and i see my face on TV with a warrent for murder!I call doris and then i call Andrew Buttazoni,a lawyer who has since moved on to be a judge,he said he would call me right back,and he did,he had phoned the police,they asked if i could wait a few hours to turn myself in.I musta smoked a pack of smokes in that time.Those few hours seemed like an eternity too me,but finaly andrew came and picked me up,i was wearing my jeans that were covered in blood from me doctoring peoples,(10 different types of blood were found,or something along that line anyways,)So i was fingerprinted and they made me take off all my clothes and photo graphed my whole body.later they would come for hair samples at the district jail.Time there seemed to meld into one long nightmare of a ride,of being so wasted that i couldnt talk,i was more stoned on meds then i ever was on the street.I try to recall my 18 months and i am missing whole chuncks of time,which is probably a good thing,i don't know as i can;t remember,but mayhap it is best left unresolved.anyways,its 1999,summer,i am out for 2 months when my grandfather dies.we drive the long way to kingston ont.my birthplace.I am somehwhat of a celebrity,or am treated with awe,or they are scared of me,probably a mix of all three,looking back now.anyways ,flash ahead to 2004,its spring,and i have been living on elgin street in sudbury.I am heavey into drugs,getting dope for people that come to my room.I do not sell myself,as i cannot be trusted.I am at the lowest point in my life.I am staying up for weeks at a time,I weigh 110 lbs.I get my cheque and go to pick up,I ended up picking up garbage,sugur,and pissed off,fed up with the dope scene.All those fuckin girls,sucking dick for a smash.I am thouroughly disgusted,tired of living like an animal.Being treated like an animal.I am just tired of everything.I try to kill myself by slicing my wrist.Just a big mess that i end up cleaning up as i am the cleaner for the building.It was during this time that i supposedly sold to a narc.When they come to your house and then ask you to go to pick up drugs somewheres else,thats called entrapment,but not in sudbury.Here the cops know how to play dirty.And do so without impuntiy.they still do to this day.I kid you not.well now it is june.It is friday and i am looking at a picture of my ex girlfriend.she is holding a cheque for 1 million dollars.I am very happy for her.I dream of her coming to my place and giveing me a harley Davidson,She drops by and picks me up,she wants to show me her house that they are building.Its nice.alittle expensive for what she is getting i think to myself.It couyldn't happen to a more deserving person though.This person that i still love,she has been through alot herself,but no one is more down to earth then this girl.She is my dreamgirl that got away,but i do not tell her this.she is happy now,and deserves to be.Its all i want for her in the first place,but i wish i could have a little of that happiness in my life.but i guess God has other plans for me,I wish he would tell me his plans,but he does not,and remains ever silent.I flash back to a time when i was in jail.I have been trying to get to chappel for 3 months now,and still get refused on grounds of security.Finaly i get to go down,in cuffs,but i get to go to church!We sing hyms and read from the bible,i havent felt this good in a while,on walking out i get to the stairs,and while standing at the bottom,I have a ......i don't know what to call it,..an epiphany maybe,....but it is a feeling that i have been trying to duplicate ever since,an overwhelming feeling of peace and serenity,i seem to float up the stairs,only now do i recall that the other time when i felt like that was wheni got the news about my brother dougie.It's kinda like a high,but more purer,almost,God-inspired maybe,but it is a feeling of love that i miss.flash back to now.Its 2006,fathers day,I am still living in the same place.I have a curfew from the case 3 years earlier.I will be on probation for a year,if i screw up,i go back inside.I do not want to screw up and go back.I like being free thank-you very much!I sr=till attend the hiv+support group that i got started here in sudbury.we meet every wed at access aids sudbury.I have been clean for 1 1/2.I am still single.but i am looking now,for a special person,to come into my life and fill my heart with the love that it so desires.I am waiting for her,i do not know who she is,or where she is,but i hope she is,and i hope that maybe one day,she will find me or I her,Untill then,this is my story,it is the truth,sad as it may be,but will it have a happy ending???stay tuned folks,and maybe you'll find out eh!peace!